Giving In!

I created a quick Insta story last week that said something like, “People are not inherently good or bad (or evil). They are inherently self-serving.” As you can imagine, people didn’t really respond to it or even acknowledge it. I‘d add to it they are inherently self-interested. That is not necessarily good or bad but probably a part of our genetic predisposition. The act of surviving and thriving for millennia has to have made an impact on how we are formed, wired, and otherwise come together.

I’d go so far as to say it’s good. Without survival wiring, we would have likely disappeared long ago. Now, that is not to say we don’t also want others along for the ride, but it’s like layering. First, the ideal (society), then the group (tribe), then the nucleus (family, mate, partners, children), but the final stop is us (self). Obviously, we can all point to exceptions but it is not a natural option. The captain who goes down with their ship to ensure that everyone else is saved is a learned idea. The story of Christ is a picture of this as well. Someone who gives themselves up for someone else, or everyone else.

It’s not always death. Nelson Mandela was imprisoned for years in the fight to end apartheid. It’s enough of a remarkable story these people often become markers in history.

They are martyrs and it’s only remarkable because it’s not our natural predisposition. We naturally bend to what’s best for us primarily. Everything else comes after that. This natural lean toward self accounts for at least some of the reasons we struggle with things like intimate partner relationships.

I wouldn’t say that it’s inherent we don’t know how to serve, but I would say if that community-building trait is not nurtured we will tend more and more heavily toward the self, and in extreme cases narcissism.

Think about this: why is the bulk of school geared toward becoming a better version of ourselves? How much of schooling for example is geared toward learning how to grow as a family, tribe, or society? In my experience, not very much.

And we wonder why it’s so difficult for young parents to adapt to parenting life. Or couples to adapt to relationships (as proven by divorce rates). It also explains why we grow by becoming a parent or by being in an intimate partner relationship. We have to learn to serve our children in order to raise them (serving does not mean giving them things). That is unless we are a s***** parent.

Should we only concern ourselves with giving and with helping others? That likely depends on where you are personally. There is a needed place for attending to yourself and getting yourself in order first. I will tell everyone willing to listen; if you are becoming a parent and you can do one thing to prepare: take care of your own shit first.

You cannot rescue others if you are tasting the ocean, flailing your arms, and desperate to keep your skinny neck poking out of the water. The first unspoken rule of a first-responder is to ensure you are healthy enough to help. That’s why there are regular fitness tests, for example. You have to create solid reinforced concrete foundations to build on and give from first. And that will always be a sticky point of potential divergence.

Why a divergence? Without a solid foundation, we might fall into unhealthy patterns.

Here are examples of unhealthy patterns:

• We might use our need to heal as an excuse to avoid serving—even in areas where we could, and we might be broken and think serving will fix us.
• Our broken self might feel good from serving others, feeling needed, so we use serving as aloe for that shitty sunburn of low self-esteem.
• We might give strictly out of obligation.
• Giving to manipulate the situation.
• Giving constantly without caring for yourself.

Giving to manipulate the situation is probably the greatest unhealthy pattern. When you serve others with the intent of doing it in order to get something for yourself, you miss the point and likely most of the value. It is an often occurring issue that people try to change, act caring, and serve others with the intent of it coming back to them in some particular way. If I do this for them, they will do something for me. Maybe what you are seeking is even less obvious like the appearance of being nice (I want to look like I’m actively giving when it comes to election time). Or some sort of reciprocity (if I bring flowers and pay for dinner then I should get sex). Or seeking a kind of reward (if I return this dog I might get a reward). All subtle distortions.

But when we are truly sorted, and a foundation is built, we can learn to go outside of ourselves. There are even points at which that step becomes healing. This can be particularly true of those who have experienced trauma. To become a victor over trauma (not just a survivor, which is inherent because you are still here) you must learn to extend awareness within yourself first. Spreading it out from the very tips of your fingers to the tips of your toes, understanding and physically feeling yourself and becoming aware. Once you do that, you must also learn to extend that beyond yourself and outward to others. You must serve others to keep healing.

We should serve each other strictly for the sake of pushing beyond the walls of our castle and extending ourselves to benefit others. We should be in a relationship not to receive but for the sake of the relationship (obviously, this does not apply to toxic and abusive relationships).

Does this mean we cannot get something for giving to others? Of course not. There are many times when reciprocation naturally occurs. When you give yourself over to doing what is healthy, simply because it is healthy, people will often naturally want to be part of it.

So go ahead and give in to giving in!

Do The Work,
Coach Sean

—Psychological, Christian and Buddhist references below.—

Psychology

https://www.nonprofitpro.com/post/giving-and-the-psychological-reasons-behind-it/

https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/the-joy-of-giving.html

https://bigthink.com/neuropsych/psychology-of-giving-to-charity/

https://www.lemonade.com/blog/psychology-givers-takers-matchers-2/

Buddhism

Gautama Buddha

Before giving, the mind of the giver is happy; while giving, the mind of the giver is made peaceful; and having given, the mind of the giver is uplifted.

If you knew what I know about the power of giving, you would not let a single meal pass without sharing it in some way. 

True charity occurs only when there are no notions of giving, giver, or gift. 

If beings knew, as I know, the results of giving & sharing, they would not eat without having given. 

A tree is a wonderful living organism which gives shelter, food, warmth and protection to all living things. It even gives shade to those who wield an axe to cut it down 

The way to happiness is: keep your heart free from hate, your mind from worry. Live simply, give much. Fill your life with love. Do as you would be done by. 

Scripture

Galations 5:13

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.”

Hebrews 13:16

“And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.”

Proverbs 3:27

“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to act.”

Philippians 2:3-4

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

1 Thessalonians 5:11

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”

Luke 6:27-28

“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

Acts 20:35

 “In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”

Galatians 6:9

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”