There’s Only One Page…

This is a chapter from the upcoming book Bypass The Bullsh°t!: How To Raise a F*cking Adult

…But you’re constantly editing it. If there was ever a real parent trap, it’s parenting. Bringing a kid or multiple kids into this world is about as close to the riskiest thing two people can do. If you don’t think that’s true, then I don’t believe that you have a full grasp of exactly what you are doing. It’s not a fucking puppy dog.

You are risking another person’s life and well-being that you won’t suck at the job. Hell, in some cases having a child puts the mom themselves at serious risk just to get them here, and you won’t know that until you’re deep into it.

Yet, it’s a risk we voluntarily assume, one with no clear way to calculate. And though it is common, it doesn’t negate the risk we take. It’s not a house, a car loan, or a new shirt that we ordered off of Amazon that turns out to be a “smedium.” It’s a fucking human being.

Add to this, you are likely doing this another human being in an unspoken contract, and the risk level rises and rises.

I cannot imagine getting into a business agreement with someone without a detailed contract and clear expectations. Especially, a business involving the success, failure, growth, care, and responsibility of another human being incapable of caring for themselves.

Going South

If you have the option of co-parenting of any kind, then ensure you are both on the same page. That means in every area.

Take the time to express expectations for everything from breastfeeding through to college. And I do mean everything. Start at diapers, feedings, taking breaks, parenting styles, discipline, financial changes, education, computer use, dating, sex talks, and college.

You won’t do all of this at once. You’ll do it in stages of development, though there are some critical spots I’m sure you have identified based on what you’re reading. I don’t think it’s possible to over-communicate, and it’s damn sure better than assumption.

But don’t limit your conversations to things only about the child. They should include the personal impact, changes, and expectations it’s likely to have on you, your career, your partnership, your free time, your sex life, your hobbies, and every other area. And have the conversation about the number of kids you both want and how you’re going to ensure it.

I think you should be having conversations about modeling boundaries, monitoring inputs, identifying perceptions, values, ideals, and your financial vision. Keeping those lines of communication open throughout the stages of a kid’s life cannot be overstated.

I can tell you that early, we started strong. We agreed about discipline, chores, emphasis on education, being involved as parents, viewpoints on college, kid count, and things of that sort. We had a good general outline of how we wanted to raise them, monitoring influences and inputs, etc. Then along came kids…as they evolved and changed, we sort of adapted and responded as it happened.

In itself, that’s not a bad thing, and you’ll be doing that as well. But as a team, we could have done this better. We weren’t aware of all the potential conversations you might want to have throughout the stages of parenting life. And because it was responsive to the child, it was not necessarily congruent to each other.

We did succeed, so I suppose you can say, “why does it matter?” But a better way is staying in communication as though the one page we wanted was a business plan constantly evolving as the situation and environments evolved.

It seems we naturally tend to think of parenting as us influencing them, without as much consideration for how they influence us. And if someone other than your partner is influencing you, you can expect differences to appear, tiny cracks in the shield wall you have built, and your kid will have no problem finding them.

Sincerely
Coach Sean