Learning To Talk All Over Again
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Writing and verbalizing have given me a way to let shit out that others don’t want to hear, or that I am not ready to share. It is emotionally freeing for me. It activates my intellect in ways that are far more objective and it helps me detach from the emotional trigger. I know it does this for others as well.
I find these two methods deflate a lot of things that I used to carry around in my (emotional) backpack and that I gave space and weight.
Yet, for all my growth and evolution, as it concerns communicating with others I don’t always get it right. Shocker! Far less than I’d like actually. I’m woefully aware of my shortcomings in this regard. The number of times I wished I had bitten my tongue only grows through the years.
Particularly as it concerns communicating with those I care about the most. My skills at communicating are not as evolved as my skills of writing—though I’ve had more practice at talking. I still incorrectly verbalize and interpret so many things when I’m emotionally wired, or my situation and environment aren’t ideal.
Why? To start, both writing and verbalizing are habits. The ways I have been taught and taught myself how to communicate are based on unhealthy and healthy communication methods. Not everything I do is toilet water. But the good, the bad, and the ugly are habitual. I still say shit I know I shouldn’t say, even when there’s no need to say anything. Even when I’m writing about things in clear and useful ways.
Both are habits. One trained primarily in isolation, the other trained in response to situations and environments. For example, my writing has always been with the attempt to be logical, objective, and communicate clearly and simply. I’m good at doing that. Contrarily, my verbal skills have been based on responses, triggers, and physical and emotional baggage (and successes, et. al.).
Some of what I have learned to say is emotionally abusive and manipulative. I recognize those patterns as I am evolving, but I still have them wired in. I’ve noticed those unhealthy habitual responses are often triggered by situational and environmental variables (which built the way I communicate and yours as well). These are not excuses. Together it is all helping me move forward. Hopefully, it will benefit you too.
The variables can be things like; confrontation, surprise, anxiety, stress, hunger, exhaustion, fear, feeling overwhelmed, personal frustration, and a host of others. Good things as well but I’m addressing my unhealthy chatter in this.
Add to those my personal struggles and issues and it’s a helluva barbed-wired low crawl through the mud to navigate. Bullets are constantly whizzing over my head and those around me. Especially if you consider that you’re not the only person in the conversation. Boom. Boom. Boom. The rounds are landing all around.
It’s not a matter of wanting to act differently. It’s not always a matter of needing to know better either (though I continue to evolve my understanding). As I am learning, it’s just as important to set yourself up to succeed too, particularly early on in the process.
What are some ways you can set yourself up for success?
- First, eat well.
- Second, get appropriate amounts of rest.
- Third, identify the difference between things you can change versus those you cannot. Then start changing what you can.
- Fourth, laugh at yourself whenever possible.
Have some other ideas? Put them in the comments below.
Of course, life doesn’t always allow for you to have the ideal situation so you can control your tongue does it? In those cases, it’s important to identify and create a few fall-back habits that will give you the tools to succeed when things are less than ideal.
It’s a fact that you will not unwire or re-wire any neurologically ingrained habit and communication is as much a habit as that twitch you get when you’re nervous. Be hopeful though, you can build new habits! You actually have an endless capability to build new habits.
What are some new habits you can build that might help?
- One, give up the idea of winning. Nobody really wins an argument.
- Two, admit when you’re wrong (or might be). If not, that’s ok. Move on.
- Three, let people know when you are emotionally compromised. Give it air. (Don’t expect them to know or understand. Do that right from the start.)
- Four, make no assumptions about someone else’s intentions or thoughts.
- Five, make your mouth slow down, and work to be clearer, and intentional in the words you use. No seriously, slow your mouth down.
- Six, ask for time, then write what you want to say instead of speaking it. Then read it.
- Seven, ask for a change in environment. Go somewhere public but that allows a little privacy (if it’s an appropriate topic.)
- Eight, learn to empathize.
- Nine, practice self-regulation skills that you can bring with you anywhere.
- Ten, don’t take shit so personally.
The more I give those things air and space, the lighter my (emotional) backpack becomes, the easier it is to make healthy decisions on how to communicate better right now. It doesn’t remedy the past but it frees me up to change right now. Every day my future looks brighter.
My best,
Coach Sean